New Moon (movie review)
Starring: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and HALFNAKEDMEN
The Angel Rating: HALFNAKEDMEN... okay I'll try to stop.
The first time (and last time) I set my hands on a Twilight book was when Daniela Hoag raved about Edward Cullen. "The perfect boyfriend," she called him. But it wasn’t for me. As much as I love Anne Rice vampires (now, *there’s* romance) and other kick-ass vampire comics and movies like "Blade" and "From Dusk ‘Til Dawn", sparkling vampires just doesn’t seem to do it for me. Maybe it’s because they’re in high school. Maybe because the cast kinda sucks. Or maybe it’s... I dunno... because they SPARKLE?!?? I’m not quite sure. But no, thank you. Still, I love to watch movies and like every other avid movie goer out there, I went to watch "New Moon". I saw the crazy queues for the movie. I sat in a crappy full-theater seat (I have *not* seen a theater that packed since "Sex and the City" with my girls). And I sat through it.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t as boring as the first one. And surprisingly, there are some things to rave about this time around. Since there are more things to rant about, though, let’s start with those raves:
1. The soundtrack, as usual.
2. There were some cool werewolves this time - CGI FTW!!!
and
3. Those werewolves HALFNAKEDMEN, when human HALFNAKEDMEN, spend the entire HALFNAKEDMEN movie HALF-NAKED!!! Chyeah. Okay, okay. I'll really stop this time And btw, I lied. Half of them are boys. But being pregnant to a girl and extremely hormonal, it’s perfectly okay for me to stare at *them*, too. Don’t judge.
Now the rants (I’ll try to keep them in chronological order):
1. Edward Cullen appears on-screen in all his white-facedness and red-lippedness. The *entire* theater goes berserk. I have no popcorn to throw at the screen. Or eyeplugs to wear. Bummer. Seriously. *What* is the deal with Robert Pattinson? He’s not even hot. Give me some Chace Crawford and *maybe* I’ll understand what is up. But seriously? Nuh-uh.
2. Oh, look, it’s Bella’s birthday. She’s 18 now. "I’m Bella. Let’s spend half of the movie obsessing about how old I’m getting coz I’m gonna keep getting older while my boyfriend stays young for life?" Who cares if he likes to suck the blood out of people and that he’s – I don’t know – a vampire?
3. "I’m Bella. Let’s spend the other half of the movie about me obsessing about my ex and being emo and obsessively e-mailing my ex’s sister coz he won’t talk to me. And while we’re at it, I’ll have crazy nightmares, have a weird fetish for adrenaline and flirt with the younger guy with the ugly long hair who just so happens to be a werewolf." Monster fetish much?
4. "I’m Bella. I changed my mind. Let’s not be interested in werewolf boy until I bleed and he takes off – nay, forcefully pulls off – his shirt to dab on my wound to show off his amazingly muscular abs and I realize how ripped he is. And when he does, I’m going to say ‘you’re beautiful’." Coz that’s totally what 18-year-old girls do.
5. The next time we see were-boy, he’s chopped off all of his hair and he’s half-naked. And STANDING IN THE RAIN. And let's make him a lil angry and pissed off, to boot. In fact, let's make him spend the entire movie half-naked. Not that I’m complaining or anything… but WHY??? What was the point?
6. Nothing much happens story-wise or character-wise or funny-wise after that and I get bored until an action-packed werewolf bit and another semi-action-packed Volturi bit. Is that Dakota Fanning? Again… WHY???
7. Oh, before that Dakota Fanning bit, there’s more sparkly vampire scenes. But this time Edward’s shirt is off so you see him in *all* of his sparkly, skinny, and disgusting "splendor". Note to Director: you cannot take off a skinny white boy’s shirt after filling the movie with tanned and muscular were-men and were-boys. It makes "the perfect Edward Cullen" look less perfect. Although, if she’s on "Team Jacob", it’s understandable why she did that. And the movie posters are *of* Edward with his shirt open. I reckon they’d sell even more tickets if they had the werewolf pack in front. Cater to all the sex-crazed lil girlies (and boylies) out there, you know.
8. While we’re on the topic of Team Jacob… Bella feels like she can’t date Jacob coz he’s like 16 and she’s 18, but she’s dating a 109-year-old vampire? So… dating younger boys is bad but D.O.M. (Dirty Old Men) dating girls who are decades younger is okay? Unfair.
9. Now, the ending. The ending is a killer. Good job, director. All the girls squealed again. Squealing is annoying if there’s nothing to squeal about. Honestly. But hey, now all those squealers are gonna buy the rest of the Twilight books and obsessively wait for the next Twilight movies. Just coz of that ending. Well played, well played.
10. What happened to that red-headed chick who was after Bella? Was it just me or was she in the water when Bella cliff-dived? Where'd she vanish off to? And why has no one mentioned her again? And again, I'm not complaining, but there should be more to the movie than just half-nakedness. What's sad is I'm probably the only one who noticed that she just vanished from the movie...

